Wellness Wise is a column brought to you by The Roar’s co-Editors-in-Chief, Amanda Troll and Nishita Viswajith. October’s column surrounds the topic of grief, how to cope and live with loss. We spoke to Counseling Associate Beth Shafran-Mukai who specializes in marriage and family therapy, as well as grief and loss. Her work experience includes supporting middle schools, high schools and groups at the Bill Wilson Center.
What are some healthy ways to cope when you’re really hurting?
“I would think that one of the first things, if available, is to reach out and ask for what one needs and support. I’ve found that one of the most helpful things for holding and processing grief is not to feel alone because grief can also make us feel very alone. The ability to be attuned to our needs for support and the courage to reach out for support from other people and sharing what we’re feeling is very important. Sometimes, it can be uncomfortable to ask for what we need, and sometimes other people may not quite know how to respond because they may think, ‘What do I know? How do I fix this?’ And the answer is that there’s nothing to fix. Simply being truly present and letting someone know that they’re not alone in their feelings and what they’re experiencing is vitally important.
Are there any breathing exercises or grounding methods that can help with grief for those who don’t know how to talk about their emotions?
“There are skills for grounding and centering that can be very helpful. Sometimes we can have waves of emotions, waves of grief, and they can feel huge emotionally but also physically throughout our bodies, and it can be overwhelming. A variety of things can be helpful. It can be breathing exercises, and there are certainly a variety of them, especially here at the Wellness Center. Wellness associates can help someone learn these skills because they’re easily learnable skills for breathing, centering, grounding and self-soothing, and that helps us physically relax back into our bodies. You still will have those feelings and sense of loss, but we can feel grounded and in our bodies and more able to cope with that. Grief can be that we have a thought, we have an emotion, we have a sensation, and it’s very real. Part of it is that when we are experiencing that, our central nervous system and our biggest nerve becomes disregulated. The biggest nerve in our body, it sorta goes down our spine, down our arms, and we can feel very jittery, very anxious that we cannot even sit still, or we can feel overwhelmed. Exercises including breathing can be very helpful for that. For other people, movement may be helpful. Some people will even like to dance out that energy, and movement can be very helpful. It can be very individual, but things like mindfulness meditation and breathing exercises can be very helpful to sitting with the feelings and practicing to be able to observe them, and also to release any judgement that we have on those very hard feelings that we have coming up.”
Why does grief feel different for everyone?
“I would offer that grief feels different for everybody because grief is different for everybody. It’s not one size fits all. Grief and loss can feel different based on our own lived experience, our own history with the person who has been lost, and also how we’re able and the resources we have to hold those feelings of loss and feel supported as our life continues to grow around it.”
How can I support a friend or family member who’s grieving without saying the wrong thing?
“I think that’s a very typical fear that someone might think, ‘I really care and want to do something, but I don’t know what to say or do.’ Sometimes it can be as simple as acknowledging that to the person, ‘You really are hurting and I want to help, and I don’t want to say the wrong thing. Clearly the experience you’re having is your experience, and I want to respect and honor what you’re going through. I want to be of support.’ And it may be that there isn’t anything to say, except, ‘Would you like to sit together? We don’t even have to talk if you don’t want to talk, but this is a hard thing and I acknowledge that, and I’m here.’”
What if I feel guilty for not grieving in the “right way,” or not grieving at all?
“There is no right way to grieve. Again, grief is very individual. There is no right way to grieve. The other thing is to be very aware that grief is often accompanied by many other emotions, and that’s normal. Grief, as painful as it can be, is a normal experience and response to loss. With that, other things can come up. We can grieve, we can be sad, we may be angry, we may hold many feelings about the loss or unresolved issues in the relationship. We can have many emotions, and we may be able to access them in that moment, or it may be that we’re thinking, ‘Why can’t I cry? Why can’t I grieve?’ It may be that we’re not in a place where we can actively be able to and allow ourselves to process that grief yet, so there is no right or wrong way. It’s something that in working with grief, there are different ways that we can process it and access it, ourselves or with a counselor or with a grief group perhaps, but it all happens in our own time.”
What should I do if my grief feels like it’s affecting my relationships at school? How do you balance grief and everyday life?
“A first step is to offer oneself self-compassion. It’s normal that when experiencing grief or any strong feeling, we may feel it’s affecting the rest of our lives. One other way would be at school, getting some help at Wellness to say, ‘I have strong feelings. I’m experiencing grief. I need some help because it’s affecting my peer relationships, and I can’t concentrate on my schoolwork.’ Maybe seeing someone short term at Wellness could be of support. There are other resources in the community and certainly also through Wellness, 24 hours a day. Students can sign up for TBH, To Be Honest, and have access to groups and individual counselling through that app, which is approved and available through the school district.”
Can grief come back after months or years? How do you deal with this?
“Absolutely. There used to be, years ago, a model of grief that was accepted that grief was somehow linear. You had a loss, you processed it and then somehow you were done. We realized, though, that that’s not true. Grief can be more like waves that come up, and it can be that we initially grieve, and we can be triggered by many things. It could be a birthday, anniversary, holiday, maybe even a favorite food or song that reminds us of that loss, and we can have that sorrow and grief come back up. That also is normal. Sometimes, some people may say things while meaning well, like ‘We get over our grief.’ I think that has the effect of making people think that if they still grieve, something is wrong. Instead, we look at the model of grief happening in waves, and we can see that it’s normal for these feelings to come up at times, especially if there’s something that’s activating memories… Again, when we’re feeling that, the importance of reaching out to others for support and not feeling alone and realizing that grief, whenever it may come up, is normal.”
Are there resources or programs at school for students dealing with grief that we don’t always know about?
“There’s definitely for someone, with whatever feelings that are coming up, if they need to talk to someone through the app, if they need to reach a counselor, and there’s also groups available for students through TBH (To Be Honest). This is an app that someone can sign into, and they can get individual support or group support 24 hours a day. You can reach the platform through your desktop, but it’s a separate organization, run by counselors, and it’s available as a resource for students. This district has approved it, so that’s why it’s offered. It’s not internal to the district, but it’s an outside organization that’s been embedded and approved for this purpose. There’s also individual wellness counseling, and one of the things we’re looking at this year is creating a grief group, so that is something under review right now.”
What is some advice you have for someone who is currently grieving or coping with loss?
“To be gentle with yourself. To realize that grief, although it can be very painful, is a normal human emotion. There is no right way to grieve. Honor yourself and offer yourself compassion when you’re having the pain of loss. Also, it’s important to not isolate and realize it’s a normal feeling. Having support can be very helpful, so reach out to the resources that are around us, whether that’s family, friends, Wellness or other resources so that we’re not sitting alone in our pain when we can be supported by others. Grief is a part of our shared human experience.”
Is there anything else you would like to share?
“Thank you so much for this opportunity to share about the resources here at the Wellness Center about grief because it is a very important subject that at some point in our lives, we will likely experience, and knowing that we’re not alone and that this is a shared experience, and that others are available to support us as we move forward in this journey is very helpful and important. ”
If you are concerned about yourself or a friend in need of professional support, reach out to:
– National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 24/7 Call or Text: 988
– Crisis Text Line | Text HOME to 741741
– Create an account with To Be Honest for 24/7 virtual counseling
– Talk to a trusted adult, whether it be a doctor, teacher, parent or school counselor
– Go on to suicidepreventionlifeline.org and click “Get Help”
– If urgent, call 911