Communication and understanding others’ points of view and emotions has always been a big part of my life in many ways. Being able to understand people and be heard is such an important value of mine, and without them, I would not be the communicative person I am today.
Optimistic communication was introduced to me at an early age. The preschool I attended was located in my teacher’s house, Bonnie, and only had a handful of children attending it. Bonnie taught us many skills in teamwork, friendship and communication. Over the years, the lesson that stuck with me the most was the way she taught us to apologize.
The phrase “I’m sorry” is often thrown around and can be used without meaning behind it, and an apology without change or understanding of what the problem is, is not a true apology. Bonnie taught us to follow our apology by telling the other what they would do next time. For example, “I’m sorry. Next time I will…” followed by a positive change to prevent from saying something nonprogressive, such as, “I’m sorry. Next time I won’t bump into you.” An impactful apology shows you truly care and understand your mistakes and are looking to be better in the future.
When I attended elementary school, each year, my class would learn lessons from YMCA’s Project Cornerstone program. Project Cornerstone was created to teach children about anti-bullying mechanisms, online safety as well as how to communicate with peers. Not every elementary school offered this program, so I was fortunate enough to experience it.
On top of that, my mother taught my class Project Cornerstone lessons. This gave me a unique experience that not many kids can relate to. Parents who did not learn Project Cornerstone lessons could not help their kids remember the techniques taught or communicate with them the same way kids learned to. But for me, we constantly reminded each other of Project Cornerstone lessons, and communication between my whole family improved greatly. Due to those lessons coming from my mother rather than a stranger, they had a greater impact on me.
Another big part of communication is comprehension. For people to hear what someone has to say, they have to “speak a language” the other will understand. People are not going to listen to the points they are making if they speak in a negative tone to the other, or speak negatively about them. If they do, all the other is going to hear and feel is that they are the villain and fight back as a form of self-protection.
A useful tool for expressing emotions to others is to use “I feel…” statements. Rather than pointing out the flaws in someone’s actions in a tone that will place blame on them, use “I feel…” statements to express how their actions made one feel and what one would like to be different. Look at the contrast between “You are disrespectful and do not value me” and “I feel disrespected and not valued because of your actions.” Holding individuals accountable is important when making a point, but it is important to speak in a tone with the intention of making positive changes for the future instead of focusing on the now.
I often worry that whoever I am communicating with will not understand what I am trying to get across to them, but with “I feel…” statements, I know that I will be heard. There have been situations where I even communicate the reasoning behind why I am using these statements, which has also helped the other understand that I mean no negativity with my communication.
Getting into arguments with my loved one’s is the worst, especially when I know I can hurt the other person if I am not careful with my words. There have been times where I have had bad arguments with people I really love, and I needed to walk away from the argument to give us both a moment alone to prevent us from speaking without thinking.
I like to take a few deep breaths and remind myself that raising my voice will get me nowhere. I take my mind off the conversation, even if it is for a short while, such as taking a walk or listening to music. Pausing the conversation by stepping into the other room provides an opportunity to think longer about how to word our emotions maturely and calm ourselves enough to listen genuinely to what the other has to say.
Communication, afterall, is twofold. Often it involves talking, but sometimes communication is improved by not talking. Taking a step away from an argument with someone is more than okay. Sometimes it is necessary. Saying things without thinking in the heat of the moment is only human, and it has happened to the best of us. Taking a few moments alone can help individuals cool off and collect themselves.
Not being in the heat of the moment and having time to process emotions can open one’s willingness to listen. The silent treatment is never the right way to go, but a simple, “I need to take a step away from this conversation so I don’t say anything I regret and hurt you unintentionally,” can do wonders.
Communication and comprehension comes in many different forms, and everyone’s speaking style is different. There is no right way or right “language” to speak to one another. But with the tips and tricks I have picked up and lessons I have learned over the years, I have come to believe there can be better ways.