Although born female, femininity was rarely forced on me. I was raised in a fairly gender neutral household. I had access to toy cars and trains, as well as Barbies and baby dolls. However, I almost always chose the “girly” option presented. That was just who I was and what I loved.
I wore dresses, watched princess movies, colored everything rainbow and even hosted tea parties. Of course, these things did not make up the entirety of my personality and interests, but they were very important to me.
As I got older, I discovered that despite my interest in feminine things, it did not feel right when I was called female pronouns or thought of myself as a girl. I felt as though I was living in a constant lie, trying to prove to myself that I was indeed a girl.
Through a lot of self-discovery, I realized I did not feel connected to any gender roles – I simply liked doing my own thing. I came to the realization that I was non-binary when I was 13 years old, and I finally felt free from trying to measure up to standards and the boxes my peers trapped me in.
As I immersed myself into queer culture, however, I quickly realized that there were also expectations for non-binary people. I suddenly had to always be confident and happy now that my identification was out. I was not androgynous enough for my community, but regardless of outside expectations, I was still most definitely not a girl.
The exhaustion from attempting to prove myself grew immensely as I was constantly needing to explain myself to everyone, even my loved ones. I felt lied to by my own community.
When I chose this non-binary label for myself, I chose it because of its definition – not identifying as male or female but simply identifying as me. I did not realize there was an expectation for me to be this creature of androgyny that no one can tell the gender of by looking at them. Afterall, did that not defeat the whole purpose of being nonbinary?
This expectation has made my life, as well as many other members of the community, extremely difficult. In the article “Time to Move Beyond ‘Gender Is Socially Constructed,’” professor of psychology Michael Mascolo dissects evidence proving gender is socially constructed. Mascolo explains that one’s sex is simply defined by their biological features, such as genitalia and chromosomes, whereas one’s gender is defined by the attitudes, feelings and behaviors one exhibits in relation to gender identity.
Mascolo states that if society gets to deem what is masculine and feminine, then gender roles will always be subject to change, and nobody should be tied down to a social construct. If this is true, then why does my affiliation and love for what society deems feminine make my identification as non-binary invalid to so many individuals?
Growing up, most teenagers experience some form of sex education. I began puberty and was fed loads of information about my body – a biological form of organs working together. Since then, I have been very open with my peers about what happens to my body, such as periods and bodily changes, as well as others from my community despite our gender identity.
I found it important for us to learn what happens biologically to everyone. I soon found out, however, that many found my positive encouragement in biological understanding odd, especially for someone who “did not identify with their body.” That was where they had gotten me all wrong.
While gender identity can and often does correlate with one’s sex and align with societal standards, that does not mean it always does. I do not identify with the gender many females identify with, but that does not mean I hate my body. I am fascinated by everything I can do and feel extremely confident in my skin, but the world has deemed my confidence as a sign of invalidity.
Many worry that non-binary individuals might expect those who are uneducated on the differences between sex and gender to immediately know our identification and pronouns. Though I cannot speak for my whole community, I completely understand this concern.
I have not, however, and will never expect someone who does not know me to know how I identify, and although I may disagree with them, I understand that gender norms do exist and have become normal for most. Despite this, I should not have to constantly prove myself and redefine my identity due to others refusal to see from a different perspective.
Constantly re-explaining my identity to my peers has become excruciating, and I am tired of feeling invalidated by those who claim to support my growth and journey. These unprincipled standards for non-binary people need to be changed – they are unfair and exhausting for my whole community to live with.