Too Asian to be white, too white to be Asian, is how things have been for my entire life. I am a mixed race student, Taiwanese on my mom’s side and white on my dad’s. Yet, I often feel more disconnected to my Asian side due to growing up in the U.S. Culture here is white dominated, making me feel isolated from the rest of my ethnicity.
I do not use the phrase “whitewashed” to describe myself. I am just American. The way I talk, dress and act, is all quite American, not white. Thus, I feel “American-washed” and farther away from my Asian side.
I am not fluent in Mandarin, but I took classes for many years. My mom spoke Mandarin to me while growing up, allowing me to understand it fairly well. Speaking, however, is what I find difficult. Despite taking around six years of Mandarin lessons, I still can not help but hesitate every time I try to speak it. I am so Americanized that my accent pulls through my Mandarin, and everytime I speak it, I can hear that I am mispronouncing the words even though my brain knows how they should sound.
While I do not speak the language often at home, I speak Mandarin to my grandparents on my mom’s side. Despite living in SoCal, they do not speak English, so I use Mandarin to communicate with them. A majority of the time, this is not a problem because I understand enough of what they are saying, and they can understand my American-accented Mandarin.
I once visited my grandparents without the rest of my family. I had to attend church with my grandma because she could not leave me home alone. I never felt more out of place when surrounded by her friends.
While there were other factors that made me feel alone, such as being from different generations and the language barrier, every single person I talked to had something to say about my looks. From “I love your wide eyes,” or “You have such a special look,” everyone had about the same thing to say to me. My white side – the trait that made me visibly different – was all they saw.
In other ways, I feel as if I am not honoring my Asian side. I do not live around any of the Asian side of my family. Most live in SoCal. We visit often but not enough to celebrate events together.
A big holiday in Asian culture is Lunar New Year. Many of my friends are Asian and participate in this celebration. I once told one of them that I did not celebrate the Lunar New Year. She turned to me, jaw dropped in shock.
It made me feel weird. Was I not honoring my heritage by not participating in celebrations? Was I a disappointment to my culture? Was I too American for my Asian side?
It made me wonder what my life would be like if I lived in Taiwan. I wonder if people would ask me if I celebrate the Fourth of JuIy or Thanksgiving because I am half white. Instead of feeling disconnected from my Asian side, I wonder if I would feel disconnected from my American side.
It is hard to find a balance between worlds when I have one foot in each culture. No matter which world I am in, I often feel less than or lonely because I am always seen as different.
American culture, however, is composed of many immigrants and various cultures. America is such a diverse country that there is no one way to be American. I am not going to change anything about my life to fit other people’s expectations of what my identity should be.